30 Years and Counting….

It’s so hard to believe that I can forget what I’m going after when I walk into a room, yet I can remember pretty much every detail of my wedding day – 30 years ago today.

It was hot. It was beautiful. I had all of my close friends there with me to celebrate my once in a lifetime special day, but there was one piece missing. My mom.

She had stopped talking to me a week prior to this day. As a matter of fact, she had stopped talking to everyone. She stayed in her bedroom with the lights out and the television turned on….for days. I remember walking by and glancing in, hoping that one of those times she would say something. But there was nothing…

Addiction is a horrible thing. For as long as I can recall, my mom always had a drink in her hand. Now that I am a mom, I understand how difficult it is to ‘let go’ of a child. I will never understand why she shutdown like that, but it seemed to be her way of dealing with change – things that she couldn’t control.

Saturday, early afternoon – I put on my makeup, fixed my hair and slipped on my wedding dress. I remember standing there amongst all my friends – yet feeling so lonely. I’m certain that no one noticed my heartache. Good or bad – I was always the master  at disguising my feelings.

The minister came in to pray before the ceremony. We all grabbed hands, and we quietly chuckled when he referred to me as ‘Tracy’ during the prayer. I whispered a prayer that God would take away the pain and disappointment – at least for that day. And he did.

It took many years before I could handle going to a wedding or even a wedding shower. Whenever I would receive an invitation for either, I would sigh and even get this sick feeling in my gut. Every time I watched the mother of the bride walk down and be seated, it would break my heart. I wasn’t jealous – just sad.  Sad that I didn’t get to experience having my mom there.

Finally one day I realized that I had a choice to make. I could allow that painful memory to control me – forever, or I could let it go. So, that’s what I did. And let me tell you what, I’ve learned that letting go of something doesn’t mean that you forget about it, and because you haven’t forgotten about something doesn’t mean that you haven’t been healed.

My definition of letting something go is simply this: Trusting and surrendering to THE ONE who has the power to make that horrible thing – whatever it may be, loosen that grip on your heart. That’s when I experienced a peace that surpasses all understanding. Praise God for his power, unconditional love – and healing.
Trust and obey, for there’s no other way….

10 Comments on “30 Years and Counting….”

  1. So many times through the years I have thought about how you dealt with the sad part of your special day. I wish we had realized then that we would become the sister to each other that neither of us had, so I could have walked through that day with you understanding and helping you through the turmoil. You were indeed good at hiding your hurt and disappointment. I am so blessed to have you in my life-especially as my sister. Love you!

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